ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY
It is quite clever to blame others for our unhappiness, that way we let ourselves off the hook and we don’t have to change. By blaming others we can still believe that we are okay ourselves. We hold onto our self-esteem and that is important. But the reason why we don’t know how to change may be that we feel pressured by other people’s expectations.

We measure ourselves with the eyes of others rather than with our own eyes. We try to become the person we are supposed to become instead of just being who we are. Each of us is a wonderfully interesting character with feelings and thoughts that can amuse and amaze others.  

‘GERRY’-OTHERS HAD TO CLEAN UP When I was drunk I had stopped taking responsibility for myself. Other people had to look after me, clean up my mess, make my decisions. It was all a cop out. And it had bad effects on my relationships, my friends and my family and especially my self-confidence. I got extremely depressed.

It was only when this fellow from AA came to our class and said there was a youth programme for anyone who wanted support to get off the drink that I realised I had a choice. I had moved on to drugs by then and I knew I was really losing it. I was blaming my drinking on everyone else. I told myself that it didn’t make a difference and that it was nobody else’s business, that I wasn’t any good at anything. But that was all lies. People do care and I am good at lots of things.  

None of us have perfect parents and our parents didn’t have perfect parents. And that doesn’t help except to realise that we need to become our own parent in all the places where our parents don’t love us and respect us. To become happy and self-confident we need to love and encourage ourselves at the very time when others don’t. When we feel down and there is no parent to cheer us up we need to cheer ourselves up, tell ourselves how well we are doing and how talented and special we are. And the funny thing is that it’s the truth.  

‘KATLEEN’-A MATTER OF TAKING CHARGE When Dad left I blamed him for everything that was wrong in my life. If only he hadn’t gone off with another woman, my mum would be happy and we would have money to do the things I wanted to do. Then one day I saw this poster ‘you can do anything you put your mind to’ and I said ‘yeah, sure’ but it kept coming into my head and I realised that I could make things happen. I could phone my dad and ask him for what I needed. I could get a job, I could investigate various possibilities. It was really a matter of taking charge and just getting on with it.  

Each of us is special with personal thoughts and feelings that are unique to us. Those very thoughts and feelings that nobody else might know exist are what makes us a person. If we pretend not to have those feelings and thoughts we’re are pretending not to be a person and that’s when problems start.

‘BERNIE’-HE NEVER ASKED WHAT I WANTED Sometimes it is good to listen to what others tell you, they might have a point. I used to think that the girls were jealous when they told me not to let my boyfriend treat me the way he did. He’d ignore me for ages and then suddenly he’d be interested. I thought there was something wrong with me, not him. But the girls were right, he was a bully, he was only interested in what he wanted to do. He never asked me what I wanted and never listened to what I had to say.

My parents were always working and I didn’t think they cared about me and that my boyfriend did, but it was the opposite way around. He just used me and I let him until one day he started to kick my brother. I screamed at him to stop but he told me to shut up or I’d be next. Only then did I see him for what he is, just what my friends had seen all along. He’s history.  

It is so important that we encourage each other when we see something we like in another person. We all want to feel loved and accepted and the funny thing is when we reach out in acceptance of others we feel good and others will show acceptance of us. Even just to see the happiness in somebody’s eyes when you tell them how you like them or admire something about them. The world is full of begrudgers but it backfires and we end up with inferiority complexes. We become afraid to follow the inner voice that tells us of all the adventure we can have.